i.

i've notice the alphabet 'i' somehow to me, it stands a very lonely meaning by itself. when people say 'you' or 'we', those alphabets are always accompanied by other letters. let me tell you a little something that i know and i'm experiencing right now.

people might said that they are lonely sometimes. perhaps they got the wrong definition of the world 'lonely'. in general terms of people using it, it means they got no one to talk to or the person they want to talk to is not around or ignoring them. let's take it as your close friend and relative left you. are you lonely now? generally, people will agree on that but i do not. your pet dog passed away and you've got no one to play and talk to and no, you're still not lonely. your partner ditched you in the worst way and you might felt it's armageddon, but why worry? you are not lonely, you still got plans and maybe big opportunity awaiting for you and yes, i still do not agree you are lonely. going through national service maybe time wasting and i always hear complains about almost everything, the superior, the management, the higher ups and your platoon mates, i've been through that and i don't sense any loneliness in any of the situation. if ever you do feel lonely or alone, that's because you haven't been mixing around.

at work, you are stuck at your desk from 9am to 6pm, facing the computer since morning till evening, you might feel bored and lonely because your colleagues aren't clicking with you but believe me, you are not alone and you won't get bored. that's because you haven't know the good and bad side of all your colleagues. mix around, talk with them, ask them about every individuals. you won't feel the same way the next day you're working. trust me, it works. i'm doing my attachment now, one of my close colleague whom i thought i could with till my iap ends, but he got attached out to other place instead. by the time i really felt comfortable talking to him, his already attached out. but am i alone? no i'm not. i still got other colleagues, though they are not as fun as him, that's because i might not know them so well but it's still possible to use them as accompany.

recently i went to greenridge primary school with my colleagues to do some testing of softwares and laptops. it really brings back memories seeing those kids bouncing their own basketballs, getting sweaty due to the hyper in them and carrying the bigger-than-yourself bagpack.so i went in this classroom and there were some scribbling on the whiteboard and i thought maybe it was some kids who play a prank, wrote what they feel like, like what my classmates and i always do in poly (yeah i know, we are students after all. we can't hold back when we see a marker and whiteboard being unattended in the classroom that we're in.). so i ignored it at first but out of curiosity i went to read up and it says, "students who did not do their class duty will stay back 5mins and do it!" i was laughing to myself softly, what is 5mins compared what i went through? when you're a primary school kid, you are afraid of those loud-talking teachers and 5mins means the world to you. when you're in secondary school, students "love" hanging at the detention corner for hours that's because they have to. in poly, you stay back in school till night to mug and do cca but in army, you stay back the whole of weekend doing duty.

so to me, lonely means you are alone and you can't be in contact with anybody. notice the word can't be and not choose not to. it's not a choice and it's not optional. it just happen this way. i've been suffering from my sickness since sunday. first it was a massive cracking headache that i can't shake it off until tuesday morning. then i thought it was over until something worse came today until god knows when it will stop. i experience how this word lonely feels like. i can't be in contact with anybody. i can't entertain my beloved niece, laugh hard with my family and hold my beloved girlfriend's hand. i was at tremendous pain when my throat is going insane with the 2 major virus i had in me. i broke down because the pain won't go away and it's always thursday, the 5th day. i'm depressed about everyhing that is happening to me.

i'm worried, i'm in pain, i just want every of my sickness to stop and let me be myself again. i just don't wanna end it this way, please.